Your Child Isn't Giving You a Hard Time. They're Having a Hard Time.
Picture a day when your child comes home after school, sits down at the table to begin their homework, and then realizes their pencil is broken and there is no sharpener in sight. Instead of asking you for a different pencil or maybe a sharpener, they toss their homework on the ground, kick their bookbag, and snap at you when you offer help. A common thought many caregivers have in this moment is “Why are they acting like this? They know better.” What if the behavior isn’t meant to make your life difficult? What if it’s a sign that their day has been difficult?
In behavioral science, a core principle we know is that all behavior serves a purpose. Even challenging behavior is often a way that children (and adults) communicate when they lack the skills, energy, or emotional regulation to express what they’re experiencing. We may see this most often when they are overwhelmed, anxious, frustrated, tired, seeking connection from others, or even trying to regain control over a situation.
When they are in these moments of dysregulation, there is an active biological battle happening between their prefrontal cortex (the part of the brain responsible for emotional regulation and attending) and the amygdala (the part of the brain that detects threats and stressors). During dysregulation, the amygdala kicks into overdrive and releases stress hormones that overpower the prefrontal cortex, resulting in a loss of clear thinking, an inability to focus, difficulty calming down, and a possible shift into fight, flight, or freeze mode.
So, how can we best support our children when we both seem to be stuck in these moments? Let’s replace judgment with curiosity. Instead of asking, “What’s wrong with my child?” or “How do I stop this?”, we can ask, “What happened before this?” or “What do they need right now, but they are having a hard time communicating?” It is important to keep in mind that curiosity about their behavior doesn’t excuse it, but it does help us respond more effectively. We should focus on connection before correction. When emotions are high (on either side), stay calm, acknowledge the feelings, and wait until everyone is regulated before teaching or problem-solving. What we may say instead is, “Looks like today was hard. Let’s take a minute before we talk about what happened.”
Every challenging moment is an opportunity to better understand your child. When we look past the problem to see the person, we create space for growth and trust. Consider the connection you have with your child. When your child faces a difficult moment, ask yourself: What might they be trying to communicate? Sometimes the most powerful parenting happens not by forcing the door open, but by staying close enough that your child knows you're still there.
